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After Reflection

by Bellwether

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1.
Had myself so convinced all I’d come home to was basking in the solitude of dimly-lit rooms but now I’m with you, I’m overwhelmed with the fear that I’ve got something to lose

 After all the anvils fall and mirrors break I hope that you’ll still stay My mind and instability go hand in hand, so sorry in advance A month in and my neck feels broken I’m always looking over shoulder at the door Expecting someone to walk in and make you doubt who you have fallen for
 After all the anvils fall and mirrors break I hope that you’ll still stay My mind and instability go hand in hand, so sorry in advance What if I’m just a phase for you? What if these mood swings never end? I have this non-stop nightmare of your mouth, the words “we were better off as friends” For all the rain clouds soon to follow I’ll be your shelter, long as you’ll allow ‘cause all anxiety aside You’re the sunlight to my midnight mind After all the anvils fall and mirrors break I hope that you’ll still stay My mind and instability go hand in hand, so sorry in advance My mind and instability go hand in hand, so sorry in advance My mind and instability go hand in hand, so sorry in advance
2.
Never really been the type to play card games this is not a poker face I’m telling you straight up that I want more from you and I’ve never been an optimist I know that all we get from this is cultivating attachment for someone that we’ll have to miss This distance is consistent and it goes on longer than this fall but you just say the word my heart is down to take the toll and everything in my past says this is something I not do but that was with someone else and I was someone else too You’re going away Nothing I can say Will ever change that, not my place to do it You just live your life and I’ll go on with mine Calendar’s pinned on the next date that they align That they align But I know I know you’re not like that But I know I know I’m not like that But I know I know we’re not like that But I know I know it’s not like that But I know I know it’s not like that You’re going away Nothing I can say Will ever change that, not my place to do it You just live your life and I’ll go on with mine Calendar’s pinned on the next date that they align
3.
There’s a sign down in Oak Beach Where we carved our initials I X’d them out the other day There’s a sign down in Oak Beach Where we carved in our initials I X’d them out the other day And I must admit the view still looks beautiful without you; something isn’t the same I’ll admit I still drive past your house when I’m nearby just to see your porch light that says “She’s safe at home or she’s out with her friends” You say you’re miserable now I am too that’s the closest that we’ll get to compromise ‘Cause I’m done lying That things are fine When things aren’t fine I’ll admit I still drive past your house when I’m nearby just to see your porch light that says “She’s safe at home or she’s out with her friends” But you lie and you cheat, even if it’s with me its hard to pick you back up when you’re stuck on your knees and you can’t get enough; No, you’re never pleased so you kiss him goodnight, but in my bed you sleep yeah you kiss him goodnight, but in my bed you sleep and I can’t fuckin’ sleep Don’t call me, I won’t pick up I’ll admit I still drive past your house when I’m nearby just to see your porch light that says “She’s safe at home or she’s out with her friends” But you lie and you cheat, even if it’s with me its hard to pick you back up when you’re stuck on your knees and you can’t get enough; No, you’re never pleased so you kiss him goodnight, but in my bed you sleep
4.
They cut the tree down in front of my house I watched the whole damn thing I watched the branches splinter at the concrete I watched them haul it away That tree reminded me of how things used to be Most of my memories have shriveled up got too weak and fell right off like all these fuckin' Autumn leaves I look around town familiar faces abound I guess no one got too far The chances they'll never take can be seen on their face every night spent at Tulip bars That town reminded me my friends are who they'll always be All of those memories of parking lots in the Square chased by cops It means the world to me the world to me... We tried to stay 18 for good, but time has shown we have no say. Damned if I do but I have to be honest: Our youth is fading away I didn't grow up, I just grew so damn tired I watched my friends go separate ways and grow uninspired I said "goodbye" and turned my back on my little brother and tried my hardest not to cry when I left my Mother behind
5.
I'm on a train, but there's no one at the helm And there's a demon in my brain Who starts to overwhelm whelm whelm whelm whelm And there it goes, my last chance for peace You lay me down, but I get no release And I say I, I try to keep awake I try to swim beneath I try to keep awake But I, I can feel this narcolepsy slide Into another nightmare And there's a demon in my head who starts to play A nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday And I hold my breath till it's more than I can take And I close my eyes and dream that I'm awake I try to keep awake I try to keep awake I try to keep awake But I, I can feel this narcolepsy slide Into another nightmare I read dead Russian authors volumes at a time I write everything down except what's on my mind Cause my greatest fear is that sucking sound And then I know that I'll never get back out And there's a bone in my hand that connects to a drink In a crowded room where the glasses clink And I'll buy you a beer and we'll drink it deep Because that keeps me from falling asleep I said How'd you like to be alone and drowning How'd you like to be alone and drowning How'd you like to be alone and drowning How'd you like to be alone and drowning Still I find this narcolepsy slide slide Into another nightmare Keep awake, keep awake, keep awake And I can feel this narcolepsy slide

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released February 18, 2014

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